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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27266581">violet horizons</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sokki09/pseuds/sokki09'>sokki09</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>K-pop, NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, F/M, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Smut, Suggestive Themes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:16:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,065</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27266581</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sokki09/pseuds/sokki09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Johnny is just an annoying pain in Haeun’s side until they fall into bed together one fateful night. With a fuckbuddy agreement put in place, Haeun believes everything is casual and working out perfectly. Until the one thing that wasn’t supposed to happen starts to happen: she catches feelings.</p><p>~ Haeun is a reader/self insert character; I just wanted to write in third person ! ~</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Suh Youngho | Johnny/Original Female Character(s), Suh Youngho | Johnny/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>violet horizons</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hellooo<br/>this is a long ass fic (at least for me lol) that i wrote for camp nanowrimo 2020! this has been edited once, so i might go back and do some more later, but for now, i’m really happy with it! hope u enjoy! </p><p>this fic was crossposted on tumblr, you can view it <a href="https://lavendersuh.tumblr.com/post/617801503521079296/violet-horizons">here</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
The evening breeze rustled the trees, but the loud music was quick to swallow it up. Haeun sighed, staring at the concrete sidewalk leading up to the house. It wasn’t that unusual for a Friday night, but she had been hoping for something else. Something other than this place. 
</p><p>
The NCT house was known for their Friday night parties. Loud music, cheap booze, and a large house filled with plenty of people. A sea of college students just as eager to get lost as she was. The perfect storm for whatever was in the air tonight.
</p><p>
Haeun followed behind her roommate, Lucas, into the house. The air was smokey and dim, but it all felt familiar, seeing as she had been to multiple parties here. Lucas used to live here until he started working off campus, and moved in with her. They had been best friends in high school, and when he asked if Haeun was looking for a roommate she was overjoyed to have his presence back in her life.
</p><p>
The only problem was, every time he wanted to go out, the roommates almost always wound up back in the frat house. It wasn’t the worst place to be, especially since Lucas had connections, and Haeun knew most of the boys of NCT. That meant easy conversation, easy access to the majority of the house, and even easier access to the majority of the beer. 
</p><p>
She also didn’t have to get as dressed up as she did for clubs, opting instead for a skirt and lacy tee combo. It was best to be comfy if coming to a crazy place like this.
</p><p>
The pair waded through the crowd taking up the living room, Lucas pulling Haeun’s hand to make sure he didn’t lose her in the masses. While Lucas was tall enough to make his way through the crowd easily, he also towered over his friend, who was just barely reaching 5’3”. 
</p><p>
The kitchen was less crowded, and the people more familiar. Haeun scanned the faces, seeing some of Lucas’ best friends, Mark and Jungwoo. They shout over to the new pair, and Lucas shouts right back. Haeun rolls her eyes with a smile, slipping her hand from her best friend’s grasp to go find something to drink.
</p><p>
Along the wall near the patio doors are five coolers, each with different flavors of spiked seltzers, but Haeun huffs, instead walking toward the fridge. She reaches in, eyeing her favorite flavor in the back, Black Cherry.
</p><p>
“Those aren’t really for the party guests, you know.” She hears behind her.
</p><p>
She closes the fridge door to find Johnny Suh towering over her.
</p><p>
“Didn’t you know? I’m a friend of a friend of the hosts.” She smiles, cracking opening the can, “You remember Lucas, don’t you, Johnny? Just cause he moved out to focus more on studying doesn’t mean he’s completely gone.”
</p><p>
Haeun points over at her roommate, who’s taking shots with Mark and Haechan.
</p><p>
“Pretty sure he just wanted to live in a fancy apartment with a girl rather than in a smelly frat house, Haeun.”
</p><p>
“Can you blame him?” she perks her eyebrow, staring up at his face.
</p><p>
Johnny was one of the older guys in the frat. Well known, well liked and apparently well endowed. He wasn’t a fuckboy, per se, but there was definitely a reputation there. With charisma and looks like that, who wouldn’t?
</p><p>
 He had his own room, with a bathroom shared with Ten, one of Haeun’s better friends in the frat. She unfortunately found this particular detail out when she went to use the toilet one morning after she had gotten completely sloshed. Ten had graciously let her stay over, but had forgotten to mention that she should lock both doors.
</p><p>
That’s how the illustrious Seo Youngho saw Moon Haeun with her pants down. 
</p><p>
It really wasn’t that big of a deal, but she flushed whenever he teased her about it. Which was often.
</p><p>
Haeun’s relationship with Johnny was a strange one. They always seemed to throw flirty statements at each other, and she couldn’t help but acknowledge her attraction to the tall man. But she wasn’t ever sure if they were just words to him. It probably was. It had to be.
</p><p>
“So do you steal Black Cherry every time you come to our parties?” Johnny's voice pulls her out of her head. 
</p><p>
She takes a big sip, throwing a goofy smile up to him, “It’s my favorite.”
</p><p>
He leans in closer, bringing one hand to her shoulder, as she leans back into the fridge door. His eyes are nearly level with hers, his black hair flopping down into both their faces. 
</p><p>
“It’s my favorite too, why do you think I hide them?” he asks, a hint of a smile upon his lips. “At least I know who’s been stealing them, thief.”
</p><p>
Haeun’s barely drank anything, yet her brain feels like a slushy mess, as she watches Johnny. She wonders if he can tell the effect he has on her at this moment. 
</p><p>
“You seem really sure of yourself,” she remarks with a raised eyebrow, “How can you be so certain that I’m your thief?”
</p><p>
She raises her hand to pat his cheek lightly before slipping away, but she doesn’t miss the look that flashes in his eyes. He grasps her wrist before she's very far, making her turn back to him. 
</p><p>
“Everyone else hates Black Cherry. And I caught you,” he lifts her wrist holding the can, “red handed.”
</p><p>
He takes a sip from her can, still in her hand, quirking his eyebrow up at her, curious about her next move. She raises her eyebrow nonchalantly. 
</p><p>
“Guess we both have the same taste.” Haeun says, taking a big gulp of the seltzer, before walking away, leaving Johnny standing still, watching after her.
</p><p>
The party continues on, and Haeun finds herself stuck between Yuta and Ten, dancing and laughing as they joke about the people around them. Throughout the night, she gets more drinks, even deciding to knock back a few shots when she runs into Lucas and his buddies again. 
</p><p>
Overall the night is fun; just what she needed after a strenuous week of writing papers and studying for midterms. It’s just around that time of night when she decides it’s finally time she goes pee and maybe finds some random person to make out with. That’s usually how this type of thing goes.  
</p><p>
On her way back from the bathroom, Haeun walks into the kitchen, the fluorescent lights nearly blinding her dizzy mind. It takes only a second to readjust before she’s walking over to the cabinets, hoping to find a glass she can fill with water. After she’s scoured three different cabinets, she finally finds one, but there’s a slight problem.
</p><p>
It’s on the top shelf. 
</p><p>
Just as she’s about to hop up onto the counter in order to reach it, she hears a familiar voice call out, “Need some help, sweetheart?”
</p><p>
Haeun lets out a huff, turning around to find Johnny staring down at her. He had a smug little smirk floating on his lips, one that Haeun just wanted to smack him for. He thought he was so cheeky.
</p><p>
“I don’t need any help, thank you,” she tells him with an aura of confidence, before hoisting herself up to sit on the counter. She reaches up behind her to grab for the glass, waving it in Johnny’s face arrogantly. 
</p><p>
Her brain clearly isn’t working fast enough, as she watches him take it from her grasp before she has a chance to snatch it away. His smirk has turned into a full on grin, letting out a laugh as she unintentionally pouts.
</p><p>
“Johnny, please!” She whines at him, “I just need some water.”
</p><p>
He leaves her sitting on the counter, going to the fridge to fill the glass with ice and water from the door. 
</p><p>
“You know,” he says as he walks back over to where she’s sitting, “If you had looked into the coolers instead of going straight to stealing my Black Cherries, you would’ve seen that one of them was filled with water bottles.”
</p><p>
He hands her the glass, leaning his hand on the counter next to her. Haeun gratefully accepts, downing half the glass in just a few moments. She looks back over at him when she finishes, finding his face is a lot closer than she realized. With her on the counter, she’s nearly eye level with him.
</p><p>
“Are you still mad about me stealing your booze?” Haeun stares down sweetly at the man beside her, placing a hand on his shoulder.
</p><p>
Johnny leans into the gesture, moving to set his hands on her hips, giving them a light squeeze in response, “Not really,” he replies, “But it gives me something to tease you about.”
</p><p>
She giggles in response, throwing her head back. 
</p><p>
This feels nice, she thinks. Lighthearted banter with Johnny always inevitably made her happy. It wasn’t often that she saw him, but when she did, it was like a breath of fresh air every time. 
</p><p>
“How drunk are you?” Johnny’s voice brings her back down, and she again realizes just how close he seems. 
</p><p>
His eyes seem to look different from this angle, their noses nearly touching.
</p><p>
“To be completely honest,” Haeun says, setting both of her arms lightly around his neck, pulling him inexplicably closer, “You’re making me feel drunker than I actually am.”
</p><p>
She watches his face for a response, but all he does is close his eyes, letting out a hum. She’s about to question his sobriety when she hears Lucas shout her name from the entryway to the kitchen. 
</p><p>
“Haeun!” he squeals, running in with Mark and Hendery following him, “Haechan stole my phone and messaged Mina! Now she’s gonna think I’m crazy!”
</p><p>
Lucas stops in front of Haeun and Johnny, finally assessing and seeing the situation his roommate was currently in. Haeun quickly removes her arms from around his neck, but as she tries to move away, he grabs her hands, linking them, staring up at her. 
</p><p>
Haeun looks back over at her roommate, avoiding Johnny’s eye contact. She tries to focus on the situation, but her mind is in a cloud. It’s not from alcohol, she knows for sure now; her dazed mind is entirely because of the boy standing in front of her.
</p><p>
She jumps down off the counter, not missing the warmth Johnny radiates, and how much it pulls her in. But she steps away, walking towards Lucas to address the situation. It wasn’t the first time Haechan had caused trouble and it wouldn’t be the last. 
</p><p>
Lucas had been talking to Haeun’s friend, Mina, for a few weeks, but had been too cowardly to ask her out. By the looks of the situation, Haechan had done the task for him. 
</p><p>
Haeun took a few minutes to talk Lucas down from his frustration; something infinitely harder to do while he was intoxicated. They found Haechan and she demanded a return of Lucas’s phone, seeing that Mina had already responded. If Haeun knew anything, her friend was probably also equally intoxicated at some other college frat party, and had probably said yes. 
</p><p>
She did the honors of looking at the text for Lucas, and when his eyes lit up at the positive response, she told him to keep a better handle on his phone, and maybe call Mina in the morning. 
</p><p>
With that all sorted, Haeun found herself wandering back to the kitchen, instinctively going in search of Johnny. 
</p><p>
She was halfway down the hallway when a hand shot out, grasping her waist and pulling her back towards a large, strong chest, feeling the familiar warmth from earlier. </p><p>
	“Miss me?” Johnny’s voice rumbles from behind, his mouth coming down to nibble at her ear, before pulling her hair to the side, allowing him to ghost his lips across her neck. 
</p><p>
“Maybe…” Haeun mumbles, ghosting her fingers along his forearms that were wrapped around her waist.
</p><p>
He hums appreciatively at that, giving her a squeeze before turning her to face him. He brings his hand up to tilt her chin to look at him. 
</p><p>
“So, Haeun,” he says slowly, “What are your thoughts on hook ups? Think it might ruin this beautiful friendship?”
</p><p>
She offers a closed lip smile, staring dazedly at him, that drunk feeling back despite not having drank much in the past hour. 
</p><p>
“I don’t know, maybe.” She sticks her fingers through his belt loops, pressing her body against his. She nearly lats out a soft moan as she asks, “Why don’t we find out?”
</p><p>
The moments that proceed include a brief stunt of making out in a tiny hallway, before Johnny takes Haeun’s hand and leads her through the crowded living room towards the stairs. As he rests his hand on the door handle, he glances back at her, sending a questioning look her way. <i>Are you sure this is okay? </i>it says.
</p><p>
She nods, squeezing his hand, and it’s all a foggy blur from there. 
</p><p>
Johnny shuts the door behind her, immediately crowding her against the door, wrapping his arms around her hips, lifting her to kiss.
</p><p>
Haeun wraps her legs around his torso, clinging to him in ways unknown to her. He lets out a deliciously sinful sounding groan when she pulls his hair in a particular way, and before she’s fully processed it all, her clothes find themselves sitting beside his own on the floor. 
</p><p>
They waste no time before he’s rubbing her just right, she’s pulling his underwear down. He’s sliding in and she’s leaving marks along his back. They kiss, more than Haeun is used to; she’s used to hook ups being impersonal. This was still a hook up, she told herself. But the taste was just a little different. 
</p><p>
It’s probably the best sex Haeun’s had with a man, she thinks when it’s all over. She felt like she had been on fire, as she lay next to him, still smoldering. The room is quiet besides their deep breaths and the thump of bass coming from downstairs. She glances over at him, finding his eyes drooping, his brain shutting off. Hers seems to be doing the same, as sleepiness starts to take over her.
</p><p>
He curls onto his side, draping an arm over her stomach, and suddenly she’s wide awake again. What’s she to do now? She knew she should probably leave; that was the typical order of fashion. But was he expecting her to stay? Or was this just how he did things?
</p><p>
Haeun wasn’t used to intimacy with men. They were strange creatures, and in her 20 years of life, she had never really figured them out. She had historically found herself to be more comfortable among women, whether than be her best friends, or the brief relationships she’d had.
</p><p>
Johnny’s arm was a nice feeling though. A comforting weight upon her body and upon her conscience. 
</p><p>
And that’s why she left.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
She dressed quickly, picking apart her clothes from his before folding his neatly and setting them on the nightstand. She glanced one more time at his sleeping figure, feeling a pang of loneliness as she left. 
</p><p>
Haeun ignored it, telling herself to forget about it.
</p><p>
When she walked down the stairs, Haeun found the party to be winding down. She had no idea what time it was, but she decided she needed to find where Lucas was and start the walk home. She hoped he had sobered up at least a little bit.
</p><p>
He had not. Lucas was passed out on one of the couches in the basement, with Xiaojun and Hendery right alongside him.
</p><p>
“Want me to walk you home?”
</p><p>
Haeun turns around to find Ten with water bottles in his hands, placing them at the foot of the couch for the boys. She smiles at her friend, who seems to have sobered up a bit like herself. 
</p><p>
Normally Haeun would put on a brave face and walk home herself. It was less than a ten minute walk, afterall. But tonight, she found herself nodding, telling herself it was more so for Ten’s peace of mind. In truth, she felt like she could use another person next to her tonight. 
</p><p>
The night was chilly, the warmth of spring leaving with the setting of the sun. They walked side by side in silence for a bit, letting the fresh air and quiet of the night settle around them. 
</p><p>
“So,” Ten says, finally breaking their silence, “you have fun with Johnny?”
</p><p>
“What?” Haeun stops with wide eyes, staring at Ten, who cracks a smile after asking in such a subdued manner. 
</p><p>
“You ran into me in your rush to get up the stairs,” he says, “spilled my beer too. Wasn’t hard to figure out what you two were up to.”
</p><p>
Haeun can’t help let out a laugh as she apologizes for the beer spill. She shakes her head, continuing to walk. She isn’t really sure what she feels knowing someone else knows about her escapade in Johnny’s room. Walking out of the frat house, she’d felt like she had a new secret she didn’t want to think about just yet, let alone tell others.
</p><p>
Ten bumps her shoulder playfully, bringing her back to the present. “Are you guys dating or something?”
</p><p>
Haeun stares ahead at the concrete in front of her, scuffing the heels of her shoes as she walks, “No,” she shakes her head, “We just hooked up.”
</p><p>
Ten lets out a hum, as they turn the corner onto her street. She stares over at his face, trying to get a read on what he was thinking. Maybe he could help her figure out what she should be thinking.
</p><p>
She doesn’t get much of an answer as they reach her apartment building, coming to a stop in front of the doors leading in. 
</p><p>
“Well, it will certainly be interesting watching the fallout of that decision at the next party.” Ten says, cracking a smile as Haeun unlocks the door.
</p><p>
“Bring your popcorn, dude, it’ll be a grand show, I’m sure.” she tells him.
</p><p>
They say their goodbyes, and Haeun somehow manages to drag herself up the stairs and into her apartment. When she set out to go to a frat party with Lucas, she definitely hadn’t imagined the night would end like this.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
The next morning, Haeun woke up around noon, to the smell of bacon cooking. Saturdays were usually sleepy, lazy days, where she woke up late and did nothing. Sundays, she had delegated, were for working and running errands.
</p><p>
She pulls on some sweatpants, walking out of her room and into the tiny kitchen. Lucas is dressed in similar fashion, brown hair sticking up in odd spots from sleep. He stands in front of the stove, cooking up some bacon, and Haeun smells the familiar scent of freezer waffles in the toaster.
</p><p>
“Hey, roomie,” he calls, glancing back at her as she found a cup for some orange juice, “I decided to get up and slave away making you breakfast, as an apology for passing out at the party last night.”
</p><p>
“Ah, yes,” she muses with a hint of sarcasm, “A gourmet breakfast complete with greasy bacon and toaster waffles.”
</p><p>
He gives her a look. It wasn’t much but he knew she appreciated it. She throws him a smile, observing his excellent breakfast being dished onto two plates. She doesn’t fail to notice him giving himself the odd piece of bacon left over. 
</p><p>
They both sit at their small kitchen table, and Lucas briefly narrates the wild night he had before he unfortunately fell asleep before coming home. 
</p><p>
“Ten said he walked you home,” he says. 
</p><p>
Haeun nods at that, gulping down some more orange juice, wondering where her friend was going with this. Lucas shoots her a glance, eyes narrowed. 
</p><p>
“He also mentioned you had a bit of fun yourself.” 
</p><p>
Haeun’s eyes widen, before she’s spitting a curse out at Ten’s name. 
</p><p>
“So who was the lucky man? Woman? Nah, by the way your cheeks are getting red it was definitely a dude. Who’d you make out with?” he prods.
</p><p>
She smushes her face into her hands, slapping her cheeks to get the red to go away. “This is so embarrassing Lucas—”
</p><p>
“We talk about this all the time—” 
</p><p>
“No, we don’t—”
</p><p>
“We do!—”
</p><p>
“Lucas, I don’t want to talk about who I fucked!” Haeun exclaims.
</p><p>
There is silence from the other end of the table for a moment and Haeun sits with wide eyes, surprised at her own outburst. She groans, sinking back into the chair, knowing she’ll definitely never hear the end of this.
</p><p>
“You fucked someone?” Lucas asks, trying to act nonchalant. Haeun knows he’s dying to uncover the truth though. “So…. who was it then?”
</p><p>
Haeun picks up their plates and moves to start cleaning up. “I’m not saying.”
</p><p>
“Does Ten know?”
</p><p>
“Unfortunately.”
</p><p>
She spins around to glare at her roommate in the eye, “Do not, I repeat, do <i>not</i> go asking Ten about it.”
</p><p>
“Damn, woman, fine, keep it a secret.” Lucas says, “I was just being nosy, you know. You usually tell me stuff like this.”
</p><p>
Haeun thinks about it. In the past, she often had told Lucas about her drunk, hilarious hookups. She wouldn’t call them mistakes, but they definitely weren’t the greatest things to think about. Normally, she probably would’ve talked about it, but something stops her. She didn’t really want to laugh about it. And she really hadn’t been all that drunk.
</p><p>
She finishes cleaning the dishes, finding Lucas still standing in the kitchen, smiling down at his phone. When he catches sight of her staring at him, his lopsided grin becomes almost evil.
</p><p>
“Well, no matter who it was, looks like you’ll be seeing them next Friday too.” He says, and upon seeing her suspicious look, he adds, “I asked Mina to come with us to the NCT party. Looks like it’ll be a fun night for the both of us, eh?”
</p><p>
Haeun nearly lets out a groan. </p><p>
	A fun night, indeed.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
All week, Haeun was on edge. In her average week, she knew for a fact she never crossed paths with Johnny, but for some reason she couldn’t help but fear running into him. She didn’t know what it was, she had never been this anxious about seeing a hookup afterwards before. 
</p><p>
She never actually saw him, but every tall guy with dark hair set her nerves on end. Lucas must’ve seen how high strung she was, because by the end of the week, he repeatedly asked if she would rather just stay in on Friday night. 
</p><p>
“I’m going Lucas, I made it through two midterms this week. I want to let loose.” She tells him, as they wait for Mina to arrive at their apartment.
</p><p>
Not only did she want to congratulate herself, but Haeun was incredibly stubborn. She knew that if she put off seeing Johnny anymore it would only make it worse, and she didn’t want him to think he had any effect on where she decided to party each week.
</p><p>
Haeun also knew it was her duty to go with Mina and Lucas, even though she knew they would probably part ways from her upon arriving at the party. The pair was nervous yet excited, and she wanted to lend her support, even if it just meant walking together to the party.
</p><p>
Mina arrived soon after, and the trio set off to the NCT house once again. Haeun walked behind the two of them, clearly third-wheeling to anyone who could see, but she didn’t mind. She was alone with her thoughts, attempting to psych herself up for the inevitable confrontation.
</p><p>
It was hard to prepare when she had no idea the battle she was headed into. She had no idea what Johnny really thought about any of what happened. She supposed she could have texted him this week, seeing as she had his number saved in her phone, but she had rarely texted him before. She feared seeming clingy if she texted him. Just because she was curious about what he was thinking didn’t mean she was looking for anything.
</p><p>
When they turned onto the street, they could see the house was once again alive with action. She stepped in through the doorway with a game plan. Get a drink, find Ten. That way she wouldn’t be alone when Johnny ultimately came looking for her.
</p><p>
Before she’s even halfway to the kitchen, she’s lost Lucas and Mina in the crowd. <i>Best of luck to them,</i> she thinks, hoping the two of them will finally stop dancing around each other as they’ve been doing for months.
</p><p>
The kitchen holds the same activities, the same beer, the same atmosphere as last week. Just different people. She sees Ten standing by the kitchen table, watching a game of beer pong commence, so she quickly reaches into the fridge, grabbing a Black Cherry can. She downs half of it on her way over to Ten, leaning against the wall next to him. Jungwoo and Xiaojun battle Hyuck and Jaehyun in pong, and everyone around them seems to be getting really invested.
</p><p>
Ten watches with mild interest, and Haeun watches too. Not much else to do. It's been a few rounds before Haeun’s curiosity gets the best of her and she can’t help but ask Ten where Johnny might be.
</p><p>
Ten nods to look behind her, and there he is, casually standing next to where Haeun had her back turned. 
</p><p>
“I’m right here.” Johnny says when he catches you finally noticing him, “Miss me, darling?”
</p><p>
Haeun rolls her eyes, letting out a huff, “No, I was just curious, that’s all.”
</p><p>
“Hm. Okay.” He says and takes a drink of his own Black Cherry can. A new game of beer pong starts, and Ten strolls off, looking to join the next round. There’s a comfortable, tipsy silence as the pair stares at their friends playing across the kitchen table.
</p><p>
“You know,” Johnny says after a few moments, “I’m curious about something, too.” 
</p><p>
Haeun turns to see Johnny’s leaning a shoulder against the wall, looking in her direction, so she does the same. He seems to be slouching a bit, and even though it’s probably a jab at her height she doesn’t mind his face being a bit closer. 
</p><p>
She raises an eyebrow, signaling for him to continue.
</p><p>
He looks off for just a second before taking another drink, “Last time was fun.”
</p><p>
Haeun’s eyes narrow, wondering what he’s getting at, “Yeah, wasn’t all the bad,” she replies, “What about it?”
</p><p>
“Wanna do it again?”
</p><p>
Haeun can’t help the huff of laughter that comes out of her mouth. Of all things, she wasn’t expecting Johnny to ask her to hook up again. Once she really processes it, her eyes go wide, confusing lacing them.
</p><p>
Johnny rolls his eyes, crossing his arms, “Calm down, Haeun, it doesn’t mean anything.” he says, “It’s just some good sex. Just another hookup.”
</p><p>
“Yeah, another hookup, <i>with the same person</i>. I don’t usually hook up with the same person. Unless….” she trails off, drinking her own booze in an attempt to hide the flush of her cheeks.
</p><p>
“Unless….?” Johnny leans in a bit, too curious for his own good.
</p><p>
Haeun lets out a sigh, “I don’t hook up with someone again unless they make me cum.”
</p><p>
Once the words are in the air and Johnny’s registered them, he seems a bit taken aback. 
</p><p>
“Did you not?” he asks, genuinely confused, “You didn’t get off last time?”
</p><p>
“No,” Haeun says, “That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good time though. So don’t get your panties in a twist, I’m used to it.”
</p><p>
She throws in a smile before turning back to watch the game, absentmindedly sipping on her drink. Within moments, she feels herself getting pulled back to Johnny’s chest, his mouth coming down to nuzzle her neck. 
</p><p>
“I can fix my mistakes, babe.” He whispers into her ear.
</p><p>
“Are you sure about that?” Haeun asks, her voice coming out more winded than she was expecting.
</p><p>
He places a kiss just behind her ear, and she feels her eyes closing from the feeling. “Positive,” he says, “Meet me in my room in fifteen, alright?” 
</p><p>
She vacantly nods, mumbling out an ‘okay.’ He turns her around, leaves a kiss on her lips with a squeeze of her ass before he’s gone and she’s wondering just how much trouble this entire situation is going to be. 
</p><p>
In the end she decides, as she knocks back a shot for courage, the trouble is probably worth it.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
It’s not even two minutes into entering Johnny’s room that she's spread out across his bed, half of her clothes already on the floor. Left in only her bra and underwear, Haeun tugs at his shirt, desperate to be on a more level playing field. 
</p><p>
He gets her message, sitting up to take it off before leaning back over her, sucking marks into her neck. Haeun lets out a breathy moan, as his hands travel down, down, down her body, lighting a fire along their path. 
</p><p>
It’s not long before she’s cumming on his fingers and he’s moving his head lower too. 
</p><p>
“Johnny…” she mumbles, causing him to look up at her with a satisfied smirk on his face, before letting his mouth go to work. 
</p><p>
It feels like hours pass, or maybe it’s just a few seconds, but Haeun feels like a mess, moaning and letting her hands roam his torso, across his back, into his hair. There is no concept of time when he finally pulls out of her, rolling himself to lay next to her, much like last time. 
</p><p>
Haeun’s breathing comes out quickly and her heart races from their activities, arguably more worn out than last time. 
</p><p>
“Did I make it up to you?” Johnny mumbles from beside her.
</p><p>
“Mmm.” she nods, “More than.”
</p><p>
He lets out a chuckle, bringing the blankets up around them. “I’m glad.”
</p><p>
Haeun knows she should probably go soon. The party is still happening, but she doesn’t feel like going back down into the craziness. She’ll probably find Mina or Lucas and tell them she’s headed home. She sits up, swinging her sore legs over the side of the bed, looking around in the dimness of his room for her clothing. 
</p><p>
“You can stay, you know,” she hears behind her, “It doesn’t have to mean anything; this is just casual. I know Lucas came with someone, I don’t want you to walk home alone.”
</p><p>
Haeun thinks for a moment. “Yeah, okay. I’ll stay. I promise I’ll be out of your hair in the morning.”
</p><p>
She gets up, nonetheless, finding her underwear and his shirt, before rustling through the rest of the clothing trying to find her phone.
</p><p>
“What are you doing then?” Johnny asks, his voice half muffled by his pillow. 
</p><p>
“I need to pee, you know, to prevent UTIs and shit,” she says, “And I should probably tell Lucas not to wait for me.”
</p><p>
He mumbles an affirmative as she makes her way into the bathroom. When she returns, wearing his shirt and her underwear, Johnny’s sitting up, flipping through the channels on the TV in the corner. His eyes track her movements as she crawls back into bed. 
</p><p>
Haeun stays a comfortable distance away, with her phone pulled out. She taps out a quick message to Lucas, telling him she would explain everything tomorrow. Once her phone shuts off, she places it on the nightstand, before feeling herself being pulled closer under the covers. 
</p><p>
She looks up at Johnny’s face, barely made visible by the dim light coming from the television screen. He seems to have settled on watching an old sitcom, one that doesn’t look familiar to Haeun. He settles in, his arm resting leisurely on her shoulder, her head in the crook of his neck. It’s nice, she thinks, it's comfy. But it’s once again not really what she has come to know from hookups and one night stands.
</p><p>
“So…” she breaks the silence, “Is this gonna be more than a one time thing?”
</p><p>
“It already is a two time thing.” Johnny responds.
</p><p>
That wasn’t really what she was expecting for him to say. “Yeah,” she says, “But you know what I mean…”
</p><p>
He looks down at her face, moving his fingers under her chin to make her look up at him as well, “If you’re asking me if I want to keep this thing going, the answer is yes. The sex is good, yeah?”
</p><p>
He says it so casually, so nonchalantly, that she can’t help but let out a laugh.
</p><p>
“Yeah, it is.” 
</p><p>
Johnny smiles at this, “Then maybe we can make this into something— fuckbuddies or whatever it’s called.”
</p><p>
“Mmm,” Haeun mumbles, “That sounds interesting.”
</p><p>
“Indeed.”
</p><p>
This is the most communication she’s ever had with a hookup, but Haeun supposes she’s never really hooked up with a friend before; someone she knew decently well beforehand. She settles an arm over his chest, as he runs a hand casually through her hair. It all feels a bit too intimate, but Haeun can’t find it in herself to care all that much. It’s nice to feel a warm body next to hers as she feels sleep drift over her. 
</p><p>
“Goodnight, Johnny,” she murmurs after he turns off the television, letting the darkness surround them. 
</p><p>
“Goodnight, Haeun,” is the last thing she hears before sleep takes her.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
Sunlight comes in all too early, and Haeun thanks every God above that she didn’t end up drinking a lot last night. She sits up, letting out a long groan as she stretches her tired limbs. Johnny is still passed out cold beside her, so she decides to use the bathroom before leaving. 
</p><p>
As she pees, she’s plagued with the question, should she wake him before she leaves? He let her stay over— told her it didn’t really mean anything, nothing but a show of good manner. She supposed she should probably let him know when she was on her way.
</p><p>
As she washes her hands and sprays a little bit of water over her face, the door to the adjoining room opens— the adjoining room that she forgot shared a bathroom with Johnny’s. 
</p><p>
Ten’s tired eyes are barely open when he registers her presence, but in less than a second he’s as wide-eyed as Haeun. 
</p><p>
“What the fuck?” he asks all too loud, rubbing his eyes, making sure he’s seeing correctly. 
</p><p>
“Shhhh!” Haeun tries to keep Ten from talking loudly. She knows her face is burning with embarrassment.
</p><p>
“What the fuck is happening?” he asks in a whisper-yell, “Did you fuck Johnny <i>again</i>?”
</p><p>
“Yes, now will you please keep your voice down?” 
</p><p>
Ten stares at her for at least 20 seconds before letting out an exasperated sigh, “I need coffee.”
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
Haeun follows Ten downstairs to make coffee, worried about seeing other members of the frat until Ten turns around and rolls his eyes, “You are not the first girl to walk around this place on a Saturday morning and you’re certainly not the last, stop worrying.”
</p><p>
“Yeah, but I know most of you guys at least on a first name basis, this is embarrassing!” Haeun whines, “What if one of them asks why I’m here? Should I just tell the truth or should I say I passed out— but what if that gets back to Jo—”
</p><p>
“Stop.” Ten cuts her off, as he pulls two mugs out of the cabinet, “It is way too early for you to be hyper analyzing things.”
</p><p>
She mumbles out an apology as he pours her coffee. She leans against the counter as she drinks, careful not to lean her clothes into any alcohol stains that cover the messy counters. She wonders who’s in charge of cleaning all of this up. 
</p><p>
“<i>So</i>, fancy seeing you here, on this lovely Saturday morning.” Ten says, leaning on the opposite counter, “Care to explain why you’re here?”
</p><p>
Haeun rolls her eyes, “He offered to let me stay, it’s nothing.”
</p><p>
“Doesn’t seem like nothing…” Ten mumbles, before looking deeper in thought, “I’ve never known Johnny to hook up with the same person two weeks in a row.”
</p><p>
“Have you known me to do the same thing?” She retorts.
</p><p>
“Fair point. Still intriguing.”
</p><p>
Haeun lets out a huff. “I don’t really know, Ten, I’m just going with it right now, you know?” 
</p><p>
Ten purses his lips. Haeun and him both know she’s not someone to just go with the flow without questioning all the details.
</p><p>
Eventually he simply nods, “You know me, I’m just nosy.”
</p><p>
“Indeed you are,” Haeun laughs.
</p><p>
They carry on drinking coffee and talking about unimportant things, and Haeun can’t help but appreciate her easy going friendship with Ten. The boy might crave all the gossip and float down his own river, but she enjoyed these moments when they could talk about absolutely nothing, while still feeling content.
</p><p>
The sun is rising higher in the sky as they talk, but they have yet to see any other members of the house enter the kitchen. It feels almost as if they are the only ones in the house, until Haeun hears loud footsteps bounding down the stairs to where they are.
</p><p>
Johnny’s head peaks in, looking disheveled and nearly panicked, spotting Ten and blurting, “Have you seen—” but he stops when he sees her, standing frozen in the doorway.
</p><p>
“Morning,” Haeun says leisurely, sipping on her coffee. “Are you alright? Were you afraid I would leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?”
</p><p>
She knows he probably just woke up disoriented, but her mind was questioning why Johnny seemed so panicked. Haeun was desperate to revive some of their banter as she spoke; she felt more comfortable when Johnny and her were at each other’s throats, with words as their weapons. 
</p><p>
“Very funny.” He gives her a look as he walks over to get his own coffee, “I was just confused, considering I distinctly remember you clinging onto me when I fell asleep.”
</p><p>
Haeun flushes, but rolls her eyes. “Well, I distinctly remember you were the one that initiated it.” 
</p><p>
Johnny walks over to her, standing less than a foot away, staring down at her. Haeun knows he’s trying to get a rise out of her, so she defiantly glares back up at him. It’s only now that she truly realizes she’s still only wearing her underwear and his shirt. Thankfully, the man in front of her is way too tall for his own good, so the shirt hangs well below her butt, halfway down her thighs.
</p><p>
His face breaks into a sly smile and Haeun can’t help but feel herself grin back.
</p><p>
“If you guys are gonna fuck again, could you at least clean off the table?” Ten breaks their stare down.
</p><p>
She slurps down the last of her coffee, stepping away from Johnny. “I should get going, I have some homework to do before Mina and I go out again tonight.”
</p><p>
She starts walking upstairs, and Johnny goes to follow her, but they don’t miss Ten calling out, “Might as well pack an overnight bag next time, Haeun!” 
</p><p>
Haeun grabs her shorts from the night before and pulls them on once they get back into the privacy of Johnny’s room. She throws on her bra underneath the baggy shirt before trading it for her own. Johnny stands idly by the door, waiting to walk her out. The air is a bit awkward again, and Haeun tries to joke to make it seem less frayed.
</p><p>
“Well, this is a better walk of shame than a clubbing dress, that’s for sure.” She cracks a smile, looking back at him.
</p><p>
“I can drive you if you want.” 
</p><p>
He says it so seriously, Haeun does a double take. She didn’t even know he had a car on campus. She fears the awkwardness continuing so she tells him she’d prefer to just walk. 
</p><p>
They walk down to the door together, and Haeun can’t help her mind from reminding her how weird all of this feels. How <i>personal. </i>She tells herself it’s because she’s been fucking a friend rather than a stranger, but even she knows deep down it’s still not supposed to be like this. 
</p><p>
Like she told Ten earlier; it was casual. She would go with the flow. See where it goes. Her mind loved to overthink everything, and just once, she hoped she’d be able to have something nice— just some casual sex— without letting her brain go crazy. 
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
It’s only been a few weeks of hooking up with Johnny, and it’s almost always during a party, but Haeun feels herself settling into a routine. There’s not much too it really. Sometimes she spends the night, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she goes out to a bar with her friends, or NCT decides not to host a party that weekend. It’s a loose dynamic, and Haeun can’t say she minds.
</p><p>
It’s once again the weekend, only this time, NCT decides to host their party on a Saturday night. Haeun and Mina had gone out the previous night. In past years, going out both nights wasn’t a big deal to Haeun. But it was nearing the end of her junior year of college, and with the hangover she was nursing this morning, she didn’t feel at all interested in going out again tonight. That notion stacked with her piles of homework plaguing her brain didn’t really add up to a fun night. It was better that she just stay home.
</p><p>
She saw Lucas and Mina off, telling them to take a shot in her honor, before settling into her couch with a blanket, watching a sitcom. She’s barely three episodes in before her phone dings beside her. She wonders if Lucas left something at home, or needs a ride. She checks it, surprised to see it was Johnny that had texted her.
</p><p>
<b>Johnny: </b>i see lucas and mina, where u at bro :(
</p><p>
<b>Haeun: </b>I wasn’t feeling well so I decided to stay home
</p><p>
<b>Haeun:</b> I’m sorry that you won’t be graced with my presence tonight :P
</p><p>
<b>Johnny: </b>damnnn 
</p><p>
<b>Johnny:</b> hangover that bad huh? what bar did u go to
</p><p>
<b>Haeun: </b>This fancy one uptown. It was Mina’s cousin’s birthday lol
</p><p>

    <b>Haeun:</b> My hangover’s gone but I’m still not feeling well enough to go out again. Didn’t want to rain on everyone’s parade
</p><p>
<b>Johnny: </b>i’m sorry to hear that i wish u were here
</p><p>
<b>Haeun: </b>I’m sure you do haha
</p><p>
<b>Johnny: </b>:(((
</p><p>
<b>Haeun: </b>Boi stop texting me get off your phone and go have some fun !! Get laid or smth lol 
</p><p>
Haeun cringed when she saw that she had used “lol” and “haha” so much, but she blew it off. She waited for the familiar three dots to appear to indicate that Johnny was typing but it never came. 
</p><p>
She had sent the message to try to get an idea of if he was still hooking up with other people, and she took his silence as an affirmative. Haeun hadn’t slept with anyone else since she started sleeping with Johnny, but the casualness of their relationship indicated some form of openness. She wanted to know if he was taking advantage of that.
</p><p>
Haeun figured she was just being nosy. She really didn’t need to know, but the silence from his end set off a sinking feeling in her that she didn’t like. She didn’t own him. He was free to fuck whoever he wanted, and maybe she wanted to remind the both of them when she sent that text.
</p><p>
She unpauses her TV show and keeps watching. It gets darker out, so eventually after a while she gets up to turn on another light, grabbing an extra blanket in the process. 
</p><p>
It’s nearing 11 o’clock when she hears a knock at her front door. She was regretting not ordering a pizza earlier, so a small part of her hoped a pizza man was on the other side. But it wasn’t. 
</p><p>
As she opened her apartment door, she saw Johnny Suh on the other side, with a bag in his hands, and a timid, yet sweet smile. 
</p><p>
“What are you doing here?” She means for it to come out in a more accusatory manner, but her voice holds surprise in its tone..
</p><p>
“You said you weren’t feeling well, so I brought some soup from the diner down the street,” he says, stepping into the apartment, “and I also brought Ferris Bueler’s Day Off to watch.” 
</p><p>
“That’s sweet, thank you,” Haeun says, “But you didn’t have to come, you should’ve stayed at the party.”
</p><p>
Haeun closes the door quietly behind him, gesturing for him to follow her into the kitchen. She retrieves two bowls for the soup. She splits the soup into the two bowls, rummaging around a drawer for spoons.
</p><p>
“I wasn’t really feeling it tonight.” he says, watching her movements carefully. The lighting in the kitchen isn’t very bright, but the overhead bulb reveals the soft particles of dust that float through the air. “The party was boring without you anyways.”
</p><p>
Haeun goes to grab two bottles of water from the fridge, looking behind her to see Johnny already sitting at the table. His fingers brush the spoon but he waits for her before he starts to eat.
</p><p>
“I’m sure you could’ve found ways to have fun without me.” she tells him.
</p><p>
Johnny is silent after that, quietly eating the hot soup. It’s warm and hearty, perfect for a spring weekend when winter decides it wants to hang around just a bit longer. They both don’t say a lot while they eat, but it’s a comfortable silence. 
</p><p>
“So you brought a movie?” Haeun breaks the silence as she finishes her bowl. 
</p><p>
“Yeah, it’s my go-to whenever I’m feeling down.” he says. 
</p><p>
She thinks it’s cute that he brought a physical DVD. She hasn’t seen an actual DVD in a long time, typically prefering to just stream movies, much like most people her age. She’s thankful that she knows Lucas’ game console can read them. 
</p><p>
She takes both bowls and places them in her dishwasher, while Johnny awkwardly stands out of her way. They make their way into the living area and he settles on the couch under a blanket while Haeun puts the DVD in the console. 
</p><p>
She goes to sit on the couch as it loads, but everything about it is wrong. They watch the movie sitting next to each other, with their legs occasionally brushing against one another. It almost feels like a first date, when neither person knows quite what will come of this. The mood in the air doesn’t really indicate that any sex will be happening tonight. It’s calm, still, quiet. Relaxing. Haeun doesn’t really know if they are allowed to cuddle; that feels too intimate if they didn’t just have sex. She can’t help but wish she could bury herself next to Johnny. 
</p><p>
They go through half of the movie in this slightly awkward, slightly comfortable way, before Haeun’s drowsiness gets the better of her. She’s too tired to really care when she rests her head on his shoulder, letting out a yawn. She’s too tired to overanalyze when she feels him wrap his arm around her shoulders. 
</p><p>
 “Haeun,” Johnny’s quiet voice whispers to her as her eyes start to droop closed.
</p><p>
“Hm?”
</p><p>
Johnny knows she’s drifting off, but he asks anyways, “Why did you think if you weren’t at the party, that I would just find someone else?”
</p><p>
There is silence for a moment, and Johnny wonders if she already fell asleep.
</p><p>
“We aren’t exclusive, Johnny,” she says, clearly more awake than she appears, “I assumed if you wanted to have sex tonight, you would’ve, regardless of it if was me or not.”
</p><p>
He is quiet for a few moments, slowly stroking her arm with his fingertips, staring at the TV screen as the movie plays on. Haeun can tell the volume is a lot softer than it was at the beginning. 
</p><p>
Finally, he says, “I haven’t slept with anyone else since we started hooking up.” 
</p><p>
If Haeun was fully conscious, her brain probably would’ve started to over think what all that statement could mean. Fortunately for her, Haeun’s brain was starting to shut off, and all she could say in reply was, “Me neither.”
</p><p>
He lets out a quiet chuckle, “Can’t find any dick better than me?”
</p><p>
“Guess not,” Haeun feels the rumble of laughter in his chest and moves to lean more into his side, bringing her legs up in an almost fetal position, sighing at the warmth he gives off. “I haven’t really been looking though. Guess I didn’t feel like I needed to.”
</p><p>
“The feeling’s mutual.” he replies, stroking a hand through her hair, “Time for bed?”
</p><p>
Haeun idly nods, standing up and leading Johnny to her room. There are a few pieces of clothing on the ground, but nothing embarrassing enough to really bother her. She sits down on one side of her bed, craning her neck up to look at Johnny through half shut eyes.
</p><p>
“Do you want to stay?” she asks.
</p><p>
“Do you want me to stay?” he responds.
</p><p>
Haeun crawls under her covers, letting out a groan as the warmth envelopes her. 
</p><p>
“It’s up to you,” she says with a pause, “But I wouldn’t mind if you stayed.”
</p><p>
With that, it was settled; Johnny would stay. He walked around her bed to the other side, making his way under the sheets. Haeun met him in the middle, finding herself tucked beneath his chin. She knew this wasn’t traditional, and wasn't really what the two of them had signed up for, but it all felt mutually wanted. They both hadn’t been looking for other people, instead settling with each other. However reluctantly it had begun, it was nice. Pleasant. Haeun wondered how other friends with benefits relationships progressed. 
</p><p>
She couldn’t find it in herself to care all that much that they were different.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
Morning came too soon, but Haeun was still in vaguely the same position she had been last night. She feels sticky with sweat, heat pouring over her from Johnny’s sleeping frame next to her. She sits up, running a hand through her hair before checking the time on her phone. 
</p><p>
It’s half past nine, and for a Sunday, Haeun is up all too early. She groans out a yawn, scrolling through her social media feed for any interesting updates. Nothing much, just the same old same old.
</p><p>
She sees a post from Mina, of Lucas kissing her cheek. It’s sweet, she thinks, before her eyes go wide and she looks at the sleeping man next to her. <i>Was Lucas home? Did he see Johnny?</i>
</p><p>
Her eyes go soft staring at Johnny’s resting face, but she should probably get him out before Lucas comes home or wakes up. Haeun doesn’t expect to see him for another few hours, but her anxious heart worries about the fallout. 
</p><p>
“Johnny,” she murmurs to the man next to her, shaking his shoulder gently. 
</p><p>
He lets out a groan, batting her away in his slumber, but it only takes a few moments for him to wake up fully. He gazes up at Haeun, with her hair falling in his face as she leans over him.
</p><p>
“Morning,” he mumbles, stretching his arms above his head. He sits up beside her, and they simply stare at each other for a few moments. They seemed to always do this. 
</p><p>
“Are you hungry?” Haeun breaks the staring contest, sliding out of bed, “I don’t think we have eggs but we should have some cereal.”
</p><p>
Johnny gets up too, his long legs stumbling drowsily behind her as they walk to the kitchen. “Cereal sounds good, do you have coffee?”
</p><p>
Haeun nods as they retrieve cereal from on top of the fridge, milk from inside. Johnny reaches for bowls and silverware while she gets coffee ready. The entire situation feels very domestic, Haeun thinks to herself. 
</p><p>
They talk about their weeks ahead and the funny texts Johnny received this morning from his fraternity brothers. Haeun giggles thinking of a sloshed Ten emotionally recalling the timeline of his friendship with Johnny. 
</p><p>
“What the fuck?” 
</p><p>
Haeun's gaze whips around to the entryway of the kitchen, seeing Lucas with bedhead and wide eyes that don’t seem to process the situation.
</p><p>
Before Haeun has a chance to say anything, she hears Johnny saying, “Morning, Lucas.”
</p><p>
Lucas’ incredulous expression soon turns mischievous, “Good morning to you as well, Mister Johnny Suh,” he walks over to get some coffee from the pot, “What brings you to our humble abode?”
</p><p>
“Lucas…” Haeun warns, knowing she will receive endless teasing about this after Johnny leaves.
</p><p>
Johnny smirks at him, “Just passing through. Have a good night last night? When I left you were taking body shots off Haechan and Mark.”
</p><p>
Haeun lets out a laugh as Lucas nearly spits out his coffee, his ears flushing pink.
</p><p>
“Excuse me for having fun at a party.” Lucas retorts, “But from the look of it you two had your own fun—”
</p><p>
The glare Haeun sends Lucas causes him to cut off. 
</p><p>
“Alright, alright, I’m gonna go take a shower.” he says, “Unless you two want to use it—”
</p><p>
Haeun throws her spoon at the door frame as he flees the kitchen, his laughter echoing through the hallway. 
</p><p>
Haeun’s cheeks are pink, embarrassed at her annoying roommate. She goes to apologize, but Johnny cuts her off with a smile, “Hey, it’s no big deal.”
</p><p>
She huffs before she goes back to eating, once she’s grabbed another spoon. She wonders what’s going on inside his head. <i>How is he always so casual and carefree?</i> 
</p><p>
“So you haven’t told Lucas about this… agreement yet, huh?” Johnny brings it up, a casual aura surrounding him, despite the slightly serious tone his voice takes.
</p><p>
Haeun gets up to clear their dishes, “Did you just call us fucking an ‘agreement?’” 
</p><p>
Johnny’s thrown off by this, replying, “Well it’s not really a relationship….”
</p><p>
“Fair point.” she laughs, relishing in the fact that she managed to get under his skin a bit. “But no, it hasn’t come up. I haven’t really seen him all that much. Our schedules are nearly opposites and he’s got Mina now too.” 
</p><p>
Johnny lets out a hum of acknowledgement as the two of them both finish cleaning up their meager breakfast.
</p><p>
“Well that’s sure to be a fun conversation,” he says, walking through the entry way towards her door, “I think I’m gonna head out. I have some work I gotta do.”
</p><p>
Haeun nods, watching as he slips his shoes back on. 
</p><p>
“Thank you,” she tells him quietly, “Last night was nice.”
</p><p>
He smiles at her, “Yeah, it was.” he says.
</p><p>
He leans in like he wants to say more, but Haeun unlocks the door, and they part before he has a chance to say anything. Her curiosity is piqued, but it’s probably for the better that it was left unsaid. 
</p><p>
She closes the door with a sigh, as she really processes the situation. Johnny had come over last night. They didn’t have sex. She can’t help but wonder where exactly this leaves the two of them.
</p><p>
She doesn’t have long to think before she hears the water shut off in the bathroom, and Lucas comes out leisurely with a towel around his waist. Haeun can’t help but roll her eyes at his eagerness to hound her with questions.
</p><p>
“At least put some pants on before you start interrogating me.” she tells him.
</p><p>
He laughs, moving through the corridor to go to his room. It’s not even two minutes later that he comes back into the living room, sitting down on the couch like an excited puppy.
</p><p>
Haeun sighs, walking over and sitting down too. She moves her hand in a gesture of, ‘Go on.’ <i>May as well get this over with</i>.
</p><p>
“Did you fuck Johnny last night? Have you fucked him before? Are you two dating? I always thought you two hated each other…. but I guess that can lead to good sex—”
</p><p>
“Oh my god, slow down!” Haeun exclaims.
</p><p>
“Just tell me everything!” Lucas responds, “I’ve told you everything about me and Mina and you two seemed too friendly, meaning you’ve been keeping this from me for a while!”
</p><p>
Haeun rolls her eyes, taking a deep breath before explaining how her and Johnny first started hooking up, all those weeks ago. She refuses to let Lucas speak, telling him to save questions for the end, which causes the boy too much grief for his own good.
</p><p>
“And then he showed up last night, when I told him I didn’t feel like going to the party.” Haeun concludes.
</p><p>
“Damn, Haeun! Look at you, getting dicked down every weekend!” 
</p><p>
She chuckles, laughing at her roommates silliness. “Except, we didn’t fuck last night.”
</p><p>
Lucas completely freezes at this, sending worry spiraling through Haeun’s brain.
</p><p>
“I thought this was a friends with benefits thing.” he says.
</p><p>
“It is.”
</p><p>
“And you two hung out without fucking?” 
</p><p>
Haeun pauses before answering, “Yeah.”
</p><p>
“That’s not normal, Haeun.” Lucas says, “At least not for this fuck buddies situation. If you guys were more friends with benefits it would be different.”
</p><p>
“Is there a difference?”
</p><p>
“Between fuck buddies and friends with benefits?” Lucas asks, “Sure, fuck buddies are moreso aquaintances; friends with benefits holds more substance. A more established friendship.”
</p><p>
Haeun feels like she might turn to mush. This is all too much to be thinking about at such an hour of the morning.
</p><p>
“Has he asked you out?” Lucas asks, drawing her back to the conversation at hand.
</p><p>
“No? Lucas, it’s just casual. We aren’t dating or anything. It’s just fucking and— yeah, okay, we usually cuddle afterwards, but that seems valid. We are just using each other for company.”
</p><p>
Lucas narrows his eyes at her defensive answer. “And is there any chance you’re catching feelings for Johnny?”
</p><p>
Haeun laughs, “No, do you even hear yourself? Johnny? I would never.”
</p><p>
He gives her a look that says, ‘yeah right,’ before standing up and heading into the kitchen. 
</p><p>
“I know you, Haeun,” he calls from the doorway, “You get too attached to have casual sex.” 
</p><p>
“I have casual sex all the time!” she exclaims, following him into the kitchen. It’s true, Lucas has known her since the beginning of high school. He’s seen all her relationships, both good and bad.
</p><p>
“Yeah, you have casual sex with strangers. Once.” Lucas reminds her, “Don’t you have that orgasm rule? No second times? Did Johnny fall under the requirements?”
</p><p>
Haeun huffs, knowing she let herself slip up for Johnny. The look on her face says all Lucas needs to know. 
</p><p>
“I don’t like Johnny, Lucas.” Haeun finishes, “End of story.”
</p><p>
“Yeah, yeah, okay.” He says, pulling a bag of chips out, heading back to his room, “Keep me updated, will you?” 
</p><p>
He’s gone before she can say anything else.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
Spring semester continues, and Haeun’s mood grows brighter with each passing day. She tells herself it’s because the weather is finally getting warmer and the sun is out more, but in all honesty, she knows it’s simply because she’s finally having consistent good sex.
</p><p>
She’s never been in a long term relationship, so it feels weird to continue to have sex with the same person. All she’s ever really known were hookups and the occasional short term relationship that never made it past three months. It left a weird feeling lingering when Haeun realized she knew things about Johnny that she hadn’t with previous hookups. She knew what he liked, what he didn’t. She knew his body— from the plains of his back to the look in his eyes before he cums— like the back of her hand.
</p><p>
Her conversation with Lucas and all the implications it brought forth gets pushed to the back of her mind, and soon enough, Haeun keeps finding herself in Johnny’s bed, even if there isn’t a party happening that day. One Saturday night she let herself into the empty frat house. The pair ended up fucking in the shower that night, settling in to watch an old sci-fi movie afterwards. Another Saturday Johnny came over when Lucas wasn’t home— probably once again off with his new girlfriend, Mina— and they ate takeout before having sex on her couch. 
</p><p>
(She probably should’ve felt worse about fucking on the sofa she shared with Lucas, but thinking back to all the spills and craziness that ensued because of her male roommate, she couldn’t find it in herself to care in the moment.)
</p><p>
Sometimes the two of them spent the night together, sometimes they didn’t. It all really depended on how they were feeling. Haeun enjoyed having a presence there when she needed it. It was all casual, she told herself. It was a mutually beneficial relationship without any sticky relationship stuff. 
</p><p>
One night, Haeun finds herself woken up by a nightmare, spooked and unable to fall back to sleep. She knows Lucas has been up late studying the entire week, and without even thinking about it, the second person that comes to mind is Johnny. 
</p><p>
She debates whether she should really call him at 3:34 in the morning on a Tuesday, but her fingers are opening her contacts and pressing ‘call’ before she knows what she’s really doing.
</p><p>
It rings three times before Johnny picks up, his deep, sleep-ridden voice coming through the speaker.
</p><p>
“Haeun?” he asks, and she hears him shuffling around his blankets.
</p><p>
Hearing his voice brings her back down, and Haeun suddenly realizes just what she’s doing— calling her fuckbuddy because she had a stupid nightmare. 
</p><p>
<i>This is boyfriend territory,</i> she realizes,<i> not Johnny territory</i>.
</p><p>
“Haeun, are you there?” he asks again, pulling her out of her thoughts.
</p><p>
“Yeah, I’m here.”
</p><p>
“Why did you call me at three thirty in the morning?”
</p><p>
Haeun is silent. Maybe if she doesn’t say anything he will hang up and think this was all a dream. 
</p><p>
“I, um,” Haeun starts, “I just had a nightmare. I’m sorry I woke you up.”
</p><p>
She hears shuffling as he responds, “Hey, it’s alright. What did you dream about?” 
</p><p>
His voice soothes her and she already feels better. Regardless, she tells him about the dream. It’s nothing really, just a terrifying series of events like the nightmares that would haunt her after watching a scary movie when she was younger. She fills in all the details, and he listens attentively, humming in understanding when she pauses. 
</p><p>
“And then I woke up.” she finishes, taking a moment before saying, “I’m sorry I called you at this time of night.”
</p><p>
“Haeun.” Johnny says, “It’s fine. It’s what I’m here for.” 
</p><p>
<i>Is it though?</i> She thinks. She is quiet, holding the phone to her ear, hearing his breath through the line. 
</p><p>
He breaks the silence after a few moments, “Do you want me to come over?”
</p><p>
“No,” she says, probably too rushed, “Thank you, but I think I just needed to hear someone else’s voice.” 
</p><p>
“Alright.” he replies, “Do you want me to keep talking until you fall asleep?”
</p><p>
“No, it’s okay.” Haeun tells him softly, “Johnny? Thank you.”
</p><p>
“It’s no problem.” he reassures, “Go back to sleep, okay? Call me if you aren’t asleep in an hour.”
</p><p>
Haeun tells him she will and hangs up the phone call. She’s awake only a few more moments before sleep reclaims her.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
After that night, things start to change, slowly but surely. Haeun finds herself hanging around longer the morning after they fuck, she finds herself telling Johnny things she probably shouldn’t be. It’s not even important things. Just mundane things. 
</p><p>
She rants to him about the guy that cut her off when getting off the bus. She tells him about how much her professor enjoyed her midterm thesis paper. And he does the same. Now she knows just how much he prefers coffee to tea (he still enjoys tea, but he has an expensive taste when it comes to coffee), now she knows how much he misses his parents (he tears up one night, telling her that with exams he missed calling his mom on her birthday). 
</p><p>
If Haeun thought she was fucking a friend before, it must be something more now. The only person that knows her better is Lucas, and even now she wonders if Johnny has replaced that position. 
</p><p>
They’ve begun talking more during the week, though it was rare to see each other on campus. Haeun couldn’t help the smile that would sometimes make it onto her face when she saw his texts. 
</p><p>
She knew this wasn’t normal, she knew she was getting into uncharted territory. But every time she watched Johnny smile as she spoke, every time she saw his eyes focus on her lips before he kissed her, her head spun and she couldn’t breathe properly.
</p><p>
It was a Thursday evening when she was staring stupidly at her phone, watching the three dots indicating Johnny was typing. He was asking her to come over tonight, and she was playing awfully hard to get. 
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: please, haeun, please 
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: i don’t want to have to chaperone the children playing drinking games alone
</p><p>
<b>Haeun</b>: If I come over, I have to chaperone freshmen playing spin the bottle? No thanks, J
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: no!!!!!! if u come over i have an out, and neither of us will have to!!!
</p><p>
<b>Haeun</b>: Then who will watch over mark?? 
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: taeyong, probably. pls come over
</p><p>
“What the hell are you smiling about?” 
</p><p>
Lucas’ voice draw’s Haeun out of her phone and back to the real world. Her roommate stands over where she’s sitting at the dining table, and she quickly suppresses her smile, setting her phone screen side down to look up at him with attention.
</p><p>
“I’m texting Johnny.” she tells him, “I think I’m gonna go over tonight.”
</p><p>
“You go over like three and four times a week!” Lucas says, “Are you guys <i>that</i> horny all the time?”
</p><p>
“I mean…” Haeun avoids his eyes.  “We don’t fuck every time…”
</p><p>
Lucas scoffs. “I feel like whenever I talk to you anymore, you are on the cusp of dating that dude. But whenever I mention anything you completely deny it.” 
</p><p>
He pinches her cheeks before he begins to walk away, “You gotta face the music sometime, Haeun.”
</p><p>
“No, I don’t!” she calls after him. 
</p><p>
Who cares if she’s starting to feel more than she bargained for? She likes her situation, she likes having fun with Johnny without feeling like she has to do certain things and act specifically like she’s in a relationship. All of those worries are blissfully pushed to the back of her mind.
</p><p>
The text alert from her phone brings her away from her brain. 
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: haeun, i’ll make u cum three times minimum if you come over
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: haha cum over
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: that was a dumb joke pls dont hold it against me pls come over babe pls
</p><p>
<b>Haeun</b>: Hm idk :/
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: p l e a s e
</p><p>
<b>Haeun</b>: Lol I’m just kidding
</p><p>
<b>Haeun</b>: You had me at three times haha I’m on my way
</p><p>
It takes her less than ten minutes to walk to the NCT house. Walking up the front steps, she hears booming music. Nothing out of the ordinary for a Thursday, Friday or Saturday night. Typically Thursdays were reserved for smaller get-togethers, whether that be exclusively NCT members or a few additional people.
</p><p>
From what Johnny had told her, the younger boys were planning to play some mischievous games like ‘Truth or Dare,’ and ‘Spin the Bottle.’ She was mildly interested in finding out how that played out, but she supposed she could probably just ask Ten and Taeyong tomorrow morning.
</p><p>
The night was brisk yet not super chilly as she let herself into the house. She was about to begin climbing the stairs to the second level, when she heard someone call her name.
</p><p>
“Haeun!” Mark popped around the entryway leading into one of the side rooms. “Wanna come play ‘Would you rather?’”
</p><p>
Before she had a chance to reply, she felt an arm sling around hers, “I think she would <i>rather</i> not.” Ten says beside her. 
</p><p>
He gives her a cheeky grin and she can’t help the laugh she lets out. Mark huffs and disappears from view, looking slightly dejected. Haeun focuses her attention on Ten.
</p><p>
“And how is life going for the illustrious Chittaphon?” She asks, slinking her arm around him in a similar fashion to him, engulfing each of them in a half hug.
</p><p>
“Oh, I’m doing marvelous, darling.” he replies with a sly grin, “But I know I’m not the one you’re here to see, tragically.” 
</p><p>
“Ah, it is tragic, indeed.” 
</p><p>
“At least you aren’t stuck down here with these guys,” he says, suddenly switching to a more serious tone, “Your lover boy is upstairs.”
</p><p>
Haeun nods appreciatively, unlocking her arm from Ten’s. She throws him a playful salute as she heads upstairs. 
</p><p>
She knocks on Johnny’s door a few times before letting herself in, only to find the man himself lazily sprawled across his bed gazing at his laptop, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and socks.
</p><p>
“Alright, I’m here,” she announces. “Where are my orgasms?” 
</p><p>
He laughs with a playful smile across his face as he closes and sets his laptop on his bedside table. 
</p><p>
“Is it too much to ask if you suck me off first?” 
</p><p>
She scowls, “That was <i>not</i> in the terms of agreement.” 
</p><p>
“Does anyone ever read those anyways?” he gives her a cheeky grin. 
</p><p>
“Johnny!” she whines, walking over to sit on his lap, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, “How about later? I want to ride your face.”
</p><p>
He brings his hand up to his chin in a speculative manner, “Hm…. but later, I was hoping to fuck you.”
</p><p>
“Oh?” 
</p><p>
He nods wickedly, “You see, I had this master plan.” he explains, “You suck me off, I let you ride my face, then we make sweet, sweet love until morning.”
</p><p>
She laughs at his silliness, but can’t help but admit it does sound like a nice plan. She starts sucking at a spot on his neck, eliciting a groan from him as he squeezes her hips.
</p><p>
“That does sound…” she says in between her kisses, “like an intriguing plan....”
</p><p>
“Do you suppose we should test it out?” Johnny replies, his voice a bit deeper than it was a few moments ago.
</p><p>
Haeun pulls herself away from him, letting her hand stroke his cheek as she looks at his eyes. She smiles unknowingly, and he can’t help but smile back. 
</p><p>
“We might as well.” she tells him quietly.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
By the time Haeun was laying beside Johnny, she was exhausted, but in a good way. She had sucked him off before he had pulled her over him, eating her out like it was his mission. Haeun had been promised three orgasms and she had relished in receiving them. 
</p><p>
She feels his arm tug her back to him. She cuddles into his side, listening to the way his breath started to even out.
</p><p>
He turns off the bedside lamp, before mumbling against her, “Goodnight, sweetheart.”
</p><p>
Suddenly, with that single word/phrase, everything turns. 
</p><p>
Haeun sees it all now, clearly. She can no longer shield herself from the clear signs and clear feelings she holds.
</p><p>
He calls her pet names, all the time. ‘Baby,’ ‘babe,’ ‘sweetheart,’ because he knows she loves it. He leaves a toothbrush in his bathroom cabinet for her, because he knows she hates feeling like she has bad breath. He brews the shitty pre-ground coffee that she likes when she stays the night, despite Haeun knowing he hates it. 
</p><p>
He does so much for her, and she does the same. She leaves him notes when she has an early class. She buys popcorn and the peanut M&amp;M’s that she knows are his favorite. 
</p><p>
It’s the little things, Haeun supposes, the little things that made this arrangement more than just friends, more than just fuckbuddies. 
</p><p>
She lays in bed, hearing Johnny’s soft breathing level out as he falls asleep. He rests face down next to her, his arm thrown around her torso. It should help ground her, calm her down.
</p><p>
Some deep part of her knows she’s just scared. What happens next if she tells him she likes him? Likes him in a way that makes her crave having relationship labels? 
</p><p>
She loves him. She loves Johnny. She loves fucking him, but she loves being with him more. She loves his laugh, and his dumb jokes, and his expensive taste in coffee. 
</p><p>
She loves him. With that startling yet satisfactory thought, her brain settles down and she finds herself falling asleep.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
Haeun hasn’t had any time to process her late night thoughts before she’s back in the NCT house again the next night. It’s one of the last Fridays before the end of the semester, and everyone is hoping to get trashed before they spend the rest of the weekend studying up for the final tests. 
</p><p>
Haeun found herself sitting on the couch in the living room, lounging across Johnny’s lap with her feet across Ten’s. It wasn’t too late into the night, and she was a few shots in, and laughing goofily as Ten and Johnny joked around with Jaehyun. 
</p><p>
She didn’t really know where Lucas was. She hadn’t seen him all day. After last night’s revelations, she was antsy to talk to him. She knew the first thing that would come out of his mouth was ‘I told you so,’ but he was smart. Especially with his newfound ‘relationship expertise’ as he had put it. He could help her figure this out.
</p><p>
Which was why it was so annoying that she hadn’t been able to see him all day. She knows her classes are opposite of his, and that he had plans with Mina tonight before coming to the party, but of all the days, it had to be today that she needed him the most.
</p><p>
The music in the house is louder than Haeun would’ve liked, but the feeling of Johnny’s hand running absentmindedly across her back was more soothing that she would like to admit. 
</p><p>
After a while, she felt the need to use the bathroom, so she placed a kiss on his jaw to grab his attention. He let out a sound, at the contact, but she couldn’t hear it over the music, only feeling the vibration of it along his throat.
</p><p>
Finally she pulls away, looking at his face. He has a satisfied smile on his lips, clearly tuned into her and not the others. 
</p><p>
“I’m gonna go use the bathroom.” she tells him.
</p><p>
He goes in for a kiss on her neck, “Do you wanna use the bathroom upstairs?” 
</p><p>
She realizes her sentence had different intentions that she was intending. She smiles sheepishly at him.
</p><p>
“No, I just really need to pee.” she says, “I’ll be right back.”
</p><p>
He gives her a squeeze before she gets up, weaving through the mass of people to get to the bathroom near the kitchen. She has no problems getting there and doing her business, but on her way back through the hallway, a hand grabs her wrist.
</p><p>
Before she knows what’s happening, Haeun feels herself getting pushed into the wall, a looming figure standing before her, beer breath spilling into her face. A voice tells her to calm down as she squirms, shushing and trying to quiet down.
</p><p>
“Wanna go dance?” the rough voice asks her, clearly not sober.
</p><p>
“Get off,” she squirms. 
</p><p>
“Oh, come on, just one dance?”
</p><p>
“No, asshole! Get the hell off!” she yells, shoving his heavy body off of her.
</p><p>
He hits the other side of the hallway, and when he looks back up at her, there’s a raging fire in his eyes. She hears a shout coming from the end of the hall, and they both turn to see Johnny and Jaehyun.
</p><p>
Everything feels like a blur as Jaehyun reaches her. She vaguely sees the guy running off, with a very angry Johnny following hot on his trail. She hears shouts, and sees some of the other partygoers turning to look, but Jaehyun guides her away, heading for the stairs. 
</p><p>
“Are you alright?” he asks, as they walk into Johnny’s room.
</p><p>
Haeun sits down on the edge of the bed, “Yeah, I’m okay. I shoved him off before he did anything.”
</p><p>
Jaehyun lets out a sigh, “Good. I can’t even imagine what Johnny would’ve done if he had.” he pauses, hesitating, “Johnny cares about you a lot.”
</p><p>
Haeun is quiet at that. With finally facing the truth of her feelings herself, she isn’t sure how to handle the fact that another person is involved as well. She doesn’t know what to do. 
</p><p>
There’s no time to ask Jaehyun anymore questions about his best friend before Johnny comes into the room, looking around frantically until he sees Haeun sitting calmly on the bed. Jaehyun lifts up Johnny’s hand.
</p><p>
“Did you punch him, John?” Jaehyun asks when he sees the bruises. 
</p><p>
Johnny pulls his hand away, “Maybe.” he says, moving to go into the bathroom to wash his hands, “He wouldn’t leave! I swear if I ever see him back here….”
</p><p>
Jaehyun leaves Haeun in the room, moving to say something to Johnny alone. He leaves soon after, and Johnny comes out into the room, sitting next to Haeun. He has bandages around one of his hands now, but that doesn’t stop him from taking her hand in his, brushing the pad of his thumb across the soft skin.
</p><p>
“Jae said you pushed him off before anything happened, but are you feeling okay?” he asks, his voice quiet. 
</p><p>
“Yeah, it's alright.” she tells him, “I don’t really want to go back down to the party, though.”
</p><p>
“We can just stay here.” he says, and she wants to argue, wants to tell him he should go back to the party, but something in his tone of voice tells her it isn’t worth the struggle. 
</p><p>
Johnny relaxes against the headboard, pulling Haeun along with him, so that she’s nestled between his legs. He wraps his arms around her, letting out a deep sigh of contentment as he does. 
</p><p>
They stay like that for a few moments, before he starts pulling her hair to the side, placing soft kisses along her neck. Haeun lets out a soft moan at the contact. After a few minutes, she finally pulls herself up and turns around, placing her hands across his chest as she kisses him. 
</p><p>
They make out for who knows how long, soaking each other up, leaving marks across each other’s necks. Johnny makes no indication of going further than their tender kisses, and Haeun appreciates it. She’s never kissed someone so passionately without sex following afterwards.
</p><p>
After a while, they settle down, come back to their own bodies, and just rest. Haeun’s head lays across Johnny’s chest, his arms wrapped around her, holding her tight. She never remembers feeling so safe before. 
</p><p>
All is quiet, besides the background noise of the music downstairs, and the occasional shout. Everything is muffled, and Haeun wonders if this is from the walls or if her brain is just that fuzzy from the night. 
</p><p>
Eventually she hears Johnny’s breaths even out, his arms loosening their grip as he becomes unconscious. He seems to always be the one to fall asleep first. She envies it. Her brain goes much too fast for her to fall asleep easily. 
</p><p>
Tonight, she’s plagued with a world of thoughts, all swirling around each other. Each thought comes with questions.
</p><p>
She’s developing feelings for Johnny. This is one thought.
</p><p>
What does she want to do with these feelings? Is it fleeting emotions due to their closeness? How does she know if it’s real?
</p><p>
She thinks these feelings are real. This is a second thought.
</p><p>
What should she do now? Should she tell him? What exactly does she want from these feelings? Does she want Johnny to be her boyfriend?
</p><p>
She wonders what Johnny feels, what he thinks. This is another thought.
</p><p>
Does he feel the same? Is this just how he does these types of things? Has he had a similar arrangement before? Why her, why now?
</p><p>
She supposes she should be honest. She supposes she should tell him what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. But <i>that</i> thought terrifies her. 
</p><p>
His reaction would make her the happiest she’s ever been, or the saddest. Haeun’s never dealt with emotions of this size. It feels like she’s standing on the horizon as the dawn breaks, a world of colors soft and light about to emerge. But she’s at a stand still, waiting in the dark. Only her actions will allow her to reach for the morning hues. Something new and wonderful. 
</p><p>
Haeun’s brain feels like it’s just run a marathon. With alcohol still in her system, right now is not a good time to be thinking about so many things. No matter how she wants the answers to appear, they won’t appear on this quiet, hazy night. 
</p><p>
So instead of seeking conclusions, she sinks under the covers, nuzzling her face into the crook of Johnny’s neck. Answers will come at another time. For now, she may as well enjoy the soft feeling of the man who’s captured her attention so wholly, and simply rest.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
Haeun knows she’s being selfish. In her defense, she’s scared. Scared to face her emotions, scared to face Johnny. 
</p><p>
That’s why she ignores him for an entire week. 
</p><p>
She’s only on campus for her classes, fearing he might show up if she stays for too long. She throws herself into her school work, even picking up some extra credit work to turn in as well. If Lucas sees any difference in the few moments they pass each other by during the week, he doesn’t say anything. 
</p><p>
She knows she’s being selfish. Which just makes her feel even more terrible. 
</p><p>
Her week drags by, and by Thursday, she has accumulated a plethora of missed calls and unread texts from Johnny. She doesn’t answer any of them, and the weight of them— as well as the entire situation— has her crying in her room that evening. 
</p><p>
Every emotion she’s feeling spills out of her, and the worst part is she knows who she wants to comfort her. The only problem is, he’s the one she’s avoiding. 
</p><p>
Haeun doesn’t know how long she sits on her bed, letting a river of tears flow from her eyes and down her cheeks. She’s too sad and crying too much to think of wiping them away with a tissue. 
</p><p>
Finally, Lucas comes in. He’s holding the tissue box they keep in the kitchen, offering it to her like a peace offering. He sits down next to her, engulfing her frame in his arms, letting her tears soak into his shirt. 
</p><p>
She doesn’t know how long it takes before she eventually calms down, but finally, she raises her head, looking sheepishly at the wet stain she left on his shoulder. She mutters an apology as she sits up, separating herself from her roommate. 
</p><p>
“So,” Lucas starts, “what’s wrong?”
</p><p>
Haeun feels like she might start crying again, so all she manages to hiccup out is, “Johnny.”
</p><p>
Lucas’ eyes grow dark with sympathy, “What happened with Johnny? Did you guys end things?” 
</p><p>
Haeun shakes her head, feeling like an idiot for this entire situation. She’s crying her eyes out because she can’t handle the fact that she likes him more than she intended. Lucas prompts her to continue, staring with curious eyes.
</p><p>
“I don’t want you to say ‘I told you so,’” she tells him, letting out a sigh, running her hand through her hair, as she finally feels herself calming down enough to talk.
</p><p>
“Do you have feelings for him?” 
</p><p>
“Very much so.” she says, “You were right, I should’ve known I couldn’t handle long term sex with someone.”
</p><p>
Lucas chuckles at this, “Especially with a guy like Johnny.”
</p><p>
“What do you mean?”
</p><p>
He rolls his eyes, “Come on, Haeun, the dude oozes boyfriend material.”
</p><p>
Haeun sighs, moving to sit up against the wall that her bed was pushed against. Lucas sits next to her. 
</p><p>
“I’ve been avoiding him. Since I realized I liked him, last weekend.” she informs him, “I feel terrible but I didn’t know what to do.”
</p><p>
“He doesn’t deserve to be left in the dark, Haeun.”
</p><p>
She groans, “I know! But what am I supposed to say now?”
</p><p>
Lucas hits her with a pillow, “Tell him you like him, dumbass!”
</p><p>
“But what if—”
</p><p>
“No ‘what if’s! You say your piece and then he can say his. Stop overthinking everything.” 
</p><p>
They sit in silence for a few moments as Haeun’s brain attempts to work itself up, but she’s tired. She’s exhausted from hyper analyzing bits and pieces and ignoring what she doesn’t want to think about. She just wants to find the answer. In order to do that she has to tell Johnny how she feels. 
</p><p>
“I’m scared.” she says, finally.
</p><p>
“That’s normal. Telling someone how you feel is terrifying.” Lucas says, “But it’s also liberating.”
</p><p>
Haeun stands up. Either she’s doing this now, or she’s never doing it. 
</p><p>
“I’m going to Johnny’s,” she tells Lucas, who beams at her.
</p><p>
“Good.” he walks with her as she finds her coat and shoes. “I’m really proud of you.”
</p><p>
She smiles back at her roommate, giving him a hug of appreciation before turning to exit the apartment. 
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
For a Thursday night, the NCT house is quiet. Haeun assumes it’s because of finals coming soon, but she’s not complaining. She walks in through the front door— something she’s done dozens of times since that first night she slept with Johnny. She’s careful to walk up the stairs, but when she reaches Johnny’s room, it’s empty.
</p><p>
She sighs, frustrated at herself for rushing over here without thinking that he could be out. She finally thinks to check through her texts. Most of them are asking what’s up, and through the week they get more and more dejected; the last one coming in yesterday morning, asking if she was upset with him, if he did something wrong. 
</p><p>
She wants to cry all over again, sniffling over the fact that through her selfish actions, she’s hurt him. Even if he doesn’t feel the same, even if he doesn’t have the same wants, she hates the thought of hurting someone she now considers such a close friend.
</p><p>
“Haeun?” She hears a voice call her name, looking up to find Ten peeking out of his room. 
</p><p>
She tries to weakly smile at him, but the texts mixed with Johnny’s absence begin to make her feel terrible again. 
</p><p>
“Johnny went out for some food with Taeyong.” he informs her, “Wanna chat until he gets back?” 
</p><p>
He opens his door wider, allowing her to come through. He observes her red eyes as they sit down on his bed.
</p><p>
“Wanna talk about it?” Ten asks.
</p><p>
“I know you just want something to gossip about,” Haeun says, “But I suppose I can kill time telling you about how terrible a person I am.”
</p><p>
Ten laughs at her, telling her he’s sure that’s not true. While the boy can be a bit devilish sometimes, in the end he really cares. She tells him everything, from the situation to her feelings. By the end of it, he has her laughing at herself, spinning the story to make her hate herself less. 
</p><p>
It’s only a few minutes after she really wraps up her story that Ten’s door swings further open to reveal Johnny, a look of confusion over his face.
</p><p>
“Haeun.” he says, leaving his face void of emotion, “What are you doing here?”
</p><p>
Ten pipes up before she can, “She came to talk to you. I kept her company while she waited.”
</p><p>
“I can see that,” Johnny says stiffly. He doesn’t wait for a response before walking back up the hall to his room.
</p><p>
Haeun gets up off the bed, giving Ten a grimace before trailing behind him.
</p><p>
When she gets to his room, Johnny isn’t exactly pacing, but he’s not standing still either. His energy is alight with anger and frustration, and a pang resonates through Haeun’s heart knowing this is her fault. 
</p><p>
She doesn’t know how to start this, so she begins with the first words she can think of. 
</p><p>
“I’m sorry I came over with no warning. I should’ve texted you.” She keeps her voice soft and light, hoping she’s able to convey what she’s feeling properly. If not, this will make for a rough next few minutes.
</p><p>
“It’s fine,” Johnny replies, “It’s not like you texted me all week anyways.”
</p><p>
She winces at the reminder, “Right. About that. I have a lot of apologies to give you. I’m so sorry I ignored you. But I want to explain to you why.”
</p><p>
“Did you explain it to Ten?”
</p><p>
Of all the words she was expecting to come out of Johnny’s mouth, mentioning his friend was not exactly what she had in mind. She stares at him with a look of confusion.
</p><p>
“What?”
</p><p>
“Did you tell it all to Ten, first? What were you guys talking about? Seems like it was a pretty interesting conversation. Some good laughs and all.” His voice is cold, his tone cutting through her like a knife.
</p><p>
Haeun doesn’t understand what exactly is going on for a moment. Why is he more mad at her conversation with Ten rather than her ignoring him all week?
</p><p>
Then it hits her: “Are you… jealous?” she asks.
</p><p>
This seems to increase his level of frustration and Haeun forgets the subject.
</p><p>
“Johnny, please just listen.” Haeun pleads, “I know you’re mad at me, and I definitely deserve it. But please let me say my piece, and then I’ll leave.
</p><p>
He stands still in front of her, his face a flurry of different emotions. It’s hard to tell what is what, and Haeun imagines even he probably can’t pick them all out. He takes a deep breath, before motioning for her to continue.
</p><p>
She, herself, takes a deep breath before letting the confession spill across her lips.
</p><p>
“I don’t know how to ease into saying this,” she starts, “But I like you. I realized it when we were falling asleep last Thursday. But I think I’ve liked you for a while now.”
</p><p>
Johnny is silent, and instead of letting her brain overheat, she continues.
</p><p>
“I’m sorry I ignored you all week. I avoided you because I was scared.” Haeun feels, knows she’s talking much too fast, but she doesn’t let that stop her, “I was so scared, because I like how things have been going, and this changes things. We both just signed up for sex, you know? It wasn’t supposed to get like this. I should’ve known, though, that I can’t just do no-strings sex with the same person. I’m sorry that I let this happen. 
</p><p>
“I’m sorry I’m saying these things now. But I don’t really know if I can continue keeping things casual when I’m feeling like this. So I had to tell you.”
</p><p>
She takes a deep inhale of air. Her eyes sting with unshed tears, and her mouth feels slightly dry from the amount of words she just released so quickly. But her brain feels light. Her heart feels liberated. 
</p><p>
She looks up to Johnny’s face, seeing he’s stunned by her confession. He is still. Stiff. She wonders what he’s thinking. 
</p><p>
Haeun clenches her teeth together, forcing herself to not cry at the outpouring of emotion. The silence is all she needs. She nods, murmuring one last apology before she’s walking out his door and down the stairs and into the night.
</p><p>
She didn’t really know what she was expecting. But she feels at peace with herself at least. She feels free.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
In the days that follow, Haeun doesn’t go out to any parties. She focuses on getting herself back into a routine that existed pre-Johnny. She stops looking at her phone, waiting for him to respond to her text. She doesn’t go with Lucas to the NCT house on Saturday night.
</p><p>
She stays home, working on school work until the sun sets. She breaks out a tub of ice cream then, putting on old 80’s romance movies. It’s similar to a breakup routine, but not quite. Afterall, she didn’t really break up with Johnny. She didn’t really date him.
</p><p>
That thought is the only thing keeping her from completely breaking. She couldn’t have broken up with Johnny, because they were never together in the first place. There were no mutual feelings, no status as a relationship, no actual dates. She didn’t ever find out what exactly Johnny had felt during their time together, and Haeun supposed it would be okay if she never knew. She had said her piece and laid out the information for him. She had done what she’d set out to accomplish.
</p><p>
She had faced her fears and confessed her feelings, letting them hang in the air for not only her conscience but another conscience to see. That was more than she had done in a long time. It was more than she had done with anyone. Haeun supposed that was what made up relationships; real ones. In the future, instead of living in the midnight shadows of her mind, she would face the light. Talk and communicate and be okay.
</p><p>
Everything was going okay until she woke up the next morning to one (1) missed call and one (1) voicemail for the one and only Johnny Suh. 
</p><p>
Haeun hesitates to play the recording, but with her new and improved mindset, she refuses to let herself live in a mind plagued by thoughts rather than getting to the root of the information that’s right there.
</p><p>
So she presses play.
</p><p>
“Haeun, I have to tell you something,” the recording starts, Johnny’s voice coming through fuzzy, with a lot of music and people in the background. He laughs, “It’s probably not important, but I’m drunker than I’ve been in a while, and I have to tell you this <i>now.</i>”
</p><p>
He shouts at someone before there are a lot of shuffling noises and then the sound of a door shutting. Suddenly it’s quiet except for the filtered tone of his breathing.
</p><p>
“Every time you get up to go pee after we finish fucking,” he says, “I get scared. I get scared that you are gonna leave. Even after you explained the whole UTI shit to me. I still get scared that you’ll walk out my door and go back home.
</p><p>
“It’s terrifying, even if I’m half drunk and it’s only for a split second. I just… I like waking up next to you in the morning too much. I don’t think I’ll ever not be scared.” 
</p><p>
There’s silence on the other end of the line before he laughs, “I wonder if I’ll remember calling you tomorrow. I hope I do.”
</p><p>
He pauses for another moment before saying softly, as if it’s a secret he doesn’t want getting out, “I miss you,” before he hangs up and the recording ends. 
</p><p>
Haeun doesn’t know how long she sits on the edge of her bed, staring off into space. She doesn’t really know what to think. The outpouring of emotions from Johnny over the voicemail seemed genuine, but she worries about the sincerity of it due to his drunkenness. Would he remember any of this today?
</p><p>
She hopes he does. She wants him to. 
</p><p>
She gets up to find clothes to wear for the day. She spent all of her Saturday working on her school work, leading to nothing but a few odds and ends to do for today. 
</p><p>
Haeun finds Lucas and Mina giggling over themselves in the kitchen. They glance up at her when she enters, quieting down. After the whole confession ordeal, the couple had been camped out in the living room when she had gotten home. Haeun had spilled the entire story to the both of them that night. Now, they seemed to be walking on eggshells around her. She hated it. 
</p><p>
She supposes she could just cut to the chase, keep them in the loop.
</p><p>
“Johnny left me a drunk voicemail last night.” she says casually, grabbing a cup for coffee.
</p><p>
Mina whips around in her chair, “What?”
</p><p>
Haeun lets out a laugh at the entire situation, “Yeah, he said he missed me.”
</p><p>
“Like in a ‘I have feelings’ kind of way or a ‘I miss fucking you’ kind of way?” Lucas asks.
</p><p>
Haeun pauses before she answers, “I think the first one.”
</p><p>
Lucas claps his hands once, sending her a smile.
</p><p>
“Then what are you waiting for?” he asks, “Go find him!”
</p><p>
“Lucas,” Mina scolds, “She mentioned he was drunk, what if he doesn’t remember?”
</p><p>
Haeun laughs as they bicker and discuss, sipping lightly on her still too-hot coffee. 
</p><p>
“You two are sounding like my last two brain cells, right now.” she observes.
</p><p>
After a hearty discussion on the many different possibilities, the couple decides that she should get in contact with him. 
</p><p>
“I could text him,” Haeun wonders, “I suppose I should seek out some information rather than just assume things.”
</p><p>
“Aw,” Lucas says, “Babe look, our gal is growing up!”
</p><p>
Haeun rolls her eyes as the two of them chuckle. Just as she goes to pull out her phone to shoot Johnny a text, her phone vibrates. With a message from the man himself.
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: Hey
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: i’m sorry abt the message i sent last night
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: i didn’t want to do this while drunk
</p><p>
<b>Johnny</b>: fuck i didn’t want to do this over text either could u come over?
</p><p>
Haeun can’t help her eyes widening at the flurry of texts staring back at her. She smiles at the implication they give off. She knows she’s getting her hopes up but she can’t help it.
</p><p>
Before Lucas and Mina can even question her about the texts or where she’s going, she grabs her coat and runs out the front door.
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
Only when she’s right outside the front door to the NCT frat house does Haeun realize she’s forgotten to text about her arrival. She brushes it off, hoping for the best. 
</p><p>
She has to ring the doorbell this time, and after a few moments, Doyoung answers. He’s got a bedhead and a confused expression written across his face. 
</p><p>
“What are you doing here so early?” he asks, his voice raspy. It’s evident he’s nursing a hangover.
</p><p>
Haeun gives him a look, “It’s 12:30.” 
</p><p>
“For a Sunday after a party, that’s <i>early.</i>” he replies, opening the door to let her in, “Are you here for Johnny?” 
</p><p>
Haeun nods, and Doyoung looks like he’s about to walk off to go find him when the man in question nearly sprints down the stairs.
</p><p>
He’s looking similar to Doyoung; rough, just woke up, hung over. But his eyes are bright as he stares at Haeun. Doyoung seems to notice as well, starting to walk off so he doesn’t intrude on the conversation.
</p><p>
“Hi.” she says, giving him a weak smile.
</p><p>
He gives her a full on grin. 
</p><p>
“So I take it you got my messages.” he says, a flush appearing on his face. 
</p><p>
She laughs, “I did.”
</p><p>
He looks around bashfully, running a hand over his face with a groan. He takes her hands in his, stepping closer, suddenly getting serious. 
</p><p>
“I meant what I said, you know.” 
</p><p>
“Worrying about me peeing?” she smiles teasingly.
</p><p>
Johnny laughs, suddenly scooping her into him, wrapping his arms around her waist. 
</p><p>
“Yeah, I suppose, but I meant the other part, too” he says, “About how I missed you.”
</p><p>
Hearing the words come out of his mouth while standing in his presence suddenly made it very real for Haeun. Her mind finally realized they weren’t just drunken words, but a message with a meaning.
</p><p>
“You remember your message?” She asks, nonetheless.
</p><p>
“Clear as day,” he breathes, “To be honest, I wasn’t as drunk as I was probably hoping to be.”
</p><p>
He’s looking at her with a deep gaze, and Haeun raises her eyebrows in question, wondering if he has more to say.
</p><p>
“I owe you an apology,” he says, sweeping some strands of hair out of her face, “I’m sorry I froze up when you confessed.”
</p><p>
Haeun tries to let out a weak laugh, but she feels a flush settle over her cheeks at the reminder.
</p><p>
“I was just in shock, you know?” he continues, “I didn’t know you wanted more. I should’ve said something. Then, and probably before that, too. But I guess I was just scared. I didn’t want to ruin it all. I was willing to accept whatever piece of yourself that you gave to me. Because any piece of you was better than nothing.”
</p><p>
She feels her heart squeeze in response to Johnny’s words. She didn’t realize just how deeply he felt about it all.
</p><p>
“We aren’t very good at communicating our feelings very well, are we?” Haeun mumbles, leaning into him. Resting her head on his chest.
</p><p>
“Apparently not.” Johnny chuckles, “But I like talking to you a lot. Not only was I scared of losing you because I liked you but as a friend, too.”
</p><p>
Before she can reply, Johnny continues, “Maybe we could talk more, over dinner.” he inquires, leading her to gaze up at him, finding a certain glow in his eyes, “We could go out on one of those dinner date things. I’ve heard they’re very popular.”
</p><p>
“I like the sound of that.” Haeun replies, smiling at the humor.
</p><p>
Johnny laughs, out of relief and happiness, “Good, I’m taking you out tonight then. I missed you.”
</p><p>
She giggles at the humor of it all, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. It’s soft for but a moment before he leans in to deepen it, causing Haeun to pull away with a sly smile.
</p><p>
“I usually don’t kiss people on the first date.” she thinks for a moment, “I definitely don’t sleep with them on the first date either.”
</p><p>
Johnny pouts playfully, before rolling his eyes, “You don’t normally hook up with someone more than once, either.” he retorts, “So I guess I have some special privilege, right?”
</p><p>
Haeun fell into laughs as he kissed her again.
</p><p>
the end. </p>
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